Life's funny little bumpy roads.....

":) Being a leader, especially a leader of conscience, isn't always easy."

Yes, read that Rebels and let that sink in for just a minute.  I had to.  Dear friend and Rebel, Daisy sent that to me when I thanked her for her support about my letter to Ms. McGee a few days ago.  And it was funny because I got it on a day I had also taken on another llama big wig, the day I had to have another MRI on my back.


The day had been a hellish day anyway. I must say that sometimes it is easier to just count on yourself than to have partial support.  Tom had told me he'd take me to the appointment, which is great, but then he had to go back to work....and it was almost worse than if I'd just counted on my own strength the whole time, you know what I mean????  I had had to go and pick up my daughter sick from school and that threw a wrench into the morning....


But the big tests these days seem to be coming from my so called peers.  And what I have realized is that they don't know I am their peer; and that is where things went all wrong.  I'll give you a bit of background on the story, although it really isn't all that important to my point, but over a decade ago when I first got into llamas I mistakenly bought 2 llamas.  At that time I didn't know that there were rescue llamas that needed homes.  Llamas were on the downhill slide of the fad I guess....


One of those purchased llamas is the only one that has ever given us much trouble.  He is the only llama that I have ever had to spend vet dollars on other than maintenance because I have tried to figure out what the hell is wrong with him.  He has knocked each of my family members down, he has bitten me and all of these things are absolutely NOT normal llama behavior.


In the decade since owning this llama I have learned A LOT!!!  I have also rescued more than twenty llamas; many of them I (little old me at 120 lbs soaking wet as my husband would say) have trained to pack from being not even halter broke.  I have no formal training in llama handling besides what my wonderful mentor Bobra Goldsmith taught me before she died; which was a lot.

She taught me to simply expect good behavior from my animals; and that is a theory The Royal Ranch has always had.  When I train a llama to pack it is simply an agreement between the llama and myself....I'm going to trust you and you're going to trust me.  By the time I put the pack on them I have been building a working, trusting, loving relationship with the animal for as long as I can.  I don't stand for bad behavior and I never will; that is just the way it is.

Speaking of hunting camps..

  Take for instance our first hunt camp ever.  We had been getting advice from everyone that animals are afraid of the smell of blood and that our llamas were going to freak out unless they had been trained to be around meat, etc.  We had even been told to stuff their nostril with some sort of Mentholatum so that they wouldn't smell anything; to me this sounded like abuse. 

So Tom and I headed up the mountain with our very untrained pack train of llamas to pick up a huge bull elk for a friend.  We figured since it was a good friend of ours at least if the llamas freaked, no biggy.  We got to the camp and we did what we usually do; we packed up that elk and we put it on the llamas....that was that.  They were a bit jumpy at first but when they saw that we just expected them to behave like any old job, and we weren't going to take any crap from them, it was the end of their nervousness.  They knew they could trust us.  One of them even had to wear the antlers and the cape (which is the hyde) of the elk down the mountain!  It was sort of weird to look forward (I of course am always in the caboose position with Tom in lead) and see a llama with antlers-ha!!!


But back to my point, I am no llama schmutz.  I know what the hell I am doing when it comes to these animals.  I am the Co-Colorado Coordinator (it's an awful big state) for the Southwest Llama Rescue, and not by mistake, I was voted in.  If there is an aggressive male within a four state radius of me, chances are he is going to end up at my place for evaluation and rehab if he is capable.


So it really surprised me when I called the breeder of that fat, lazy llama and had to get into a battle of wits with him over the behavior of said llama and what to do about it.  Now that my spine is not quite what is used to be, I'm not really sure I'm comfortable, or really need a spoiled, over de-sensitized llama in my yard when I have spent the last decade of my life to saving llamas that really need homes.  As I mentioned this man, like Ms. McGee is in the llama world...you know, people that give a crap what other llama owners think of them.


He acted as if I was still some newbie, the same nobody that had walked into his yard 12 years ago looking at llamas for the first time and offered to come assess the llama for me.  Well, no thanks.  I've been assessing him and paying for him and having to watch out for my family's and visitor's safety from him for ten years now.  I gave him a very clear assessment of the situation, and simply asked if they were in a position to take him back now that my back is in such bad shape and he poses a real danger to me with his pushy behavior.

Well, needless to say, the llama will be staying where he is at.  The llama breeder got told exactly what I thought of his assessment.  And I kept thinking "Really?  Two people in one week?  My name is going to be $*@! in the llama world"  But I don't give a rat's patooty because that guy had it coming. (Well, I sort of did, I actually threw a baby fit when I got off the phone with him he had made me so mad, but it was just a natural reaction-ha!!!!)

And then I got that sweet quote from Daisy worth repeating again, "Being a leader, especially a leader of conscience, isn't always easy."; and it made me smile.  Thursday, I got a call from a gal on my rescue group who asked if I had a few minutes; I gotta tell you after the week I'd had with llama folks I thought I was really in for it now.  Actually she was calling to answer a question I had posted about; but more importantly she was calling to ask me if she could gift me a sweater that she had cherished for years because it had llamas on it.

She wanted me to have it because I have added such "vitality and personality" to the group.  All I thought I did was respond to the emails and try to help out a few llamas when I could-who knew?  It truly was a wonderful phone conversation; one of those where you really just enjoy getting to know the person at the other end of the line.  This amazing lady owned llamas from 1978 to 2008, and here I thought I was all that-ha!  But the point was, I know it sounds silly, but I felt like the chosen one, you know?

Then last night I answer the phone to the cutest little southern voice you can imagine and she is just thanking me up and down.  And it took me a second to figure out what the heck I had done.  Oh yeah, email again, I had sent a positive, reinforcing email to a newbie llama owner.  Amazing how far positive reinforcement goes, eh?  Whether it is with ourselves, our kids, our dogs, our llamas, whatever; I think in this post alone I have given you several examples!

These new folks have been SO kind to adopt some llamas from Nebraska; the issue is that they live in Texas.  Which as you all know is having a drought and heat problem.  The Colorado folks took in the Nebraska llamas temporarily until we could get them down south.  Well, somehow these folks got to thinking that our talking about expenses to get those llamas down there meant they were a burden (we should have switched to a more private Yahoo board in hind sight to avoid hurt feelings maybe!) and I tried to clear that up, right quick.  Anyone sticking their neck out to rescue one (and they are taking in 11!) of my wondrous creatures is no burden to me, that is for DAMN sure!

So my week had turned from on the attack to on the receiving end of so many blessings. I do believe strongly in everything I told those people I had to tell off, but I also truly believe even stronger what I told those people in loving manners.  Originally when I first started this post a day or so ago, it was called "Being kicked while you're down...", and then these crazy events just kept happening and I could no longer call it that, could I?

My boys are home!!!

 

(One of my favorite pictures ever!)

And almost that time of year again!

Here I said I was going to be back to posting more regularly and I have let my beloved blog go again; I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things somehow.  I know I will get there Rebels, have faith...But this morning I woke up with my heart bursting with happiness as my house is literally jam-packed with kids!!! (I've even got 'em sleeping in the back of my truck, yeehaw!!!)

I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of my sons.  Thomas has been working at his job for over a week now and Austin will be starting his job as soon as his new boss gets her health in order.  They are both doing very well in their new classes....meaning that they haven't missed any with all of the partying they are doing!  Which to be totally honest with you is all I can ask at this point in time.

A couple of times when we have spoken, each of them have been doing some type of homework so that makes me feel good too.  But, I must say that most of the time that we talk they are doing some kind of enjoyable thing  and meeting all sorts of new people.  Like the roommate of one of the other boys from our little town of Bailey that is all the way from Hamburg Germany!  They tell me they're having a hard time remembering names-ha!

The changes at the ranch are still making slow but sure progression...I think that is my mental hold up here on the blog...and in my routine.  I am just not sure about this new life of mine-ha!  I am working very hard on PT for my back; but more importantly I am working on staying positive and keeping the vibes of the ranch good!  Tell me what all are you up to?  How do you stay positive during big changes in your life???

Royal Ranch Royalty: Shades of Change

 Shade

Well it is time to sit down in front of my computer and try to heal my broken heart with words.  See, I have been telling you Rebels about changes here at The Royal Ranch and they have all really started to hit me these last few weeks; thus my absence from this blog.  

We lost our beloved cat Shade a few weeks back and I knew it would be very symbolic of the times ahead.  Shade was our nurse and one of my best friends here at the ranch.  If any one was not feeling well, Shade was the first to let me know by laying by that animal or person and meowing insistently!  It was uncanny his ability to know that a spirit was not well before they actually showed symptoms outwardly.  I guess it was from his time living at the vet clinic for so many years; Shade had been a blood donor cat before he came to live at the Royal Ranch.

Which is how he became a character in my childrens book, Llucky Llama.  His name in the book is no other than Cuddly Cat of course.  Cuddly Cat is buried right next to Dedicated Dog; my first Great Pyrenees that was one of the greatest dogs I have ever owned in my entire life.  As a matter of fact, that spot has not been used since Marilyn (Dedicated Dog) passed.  Tom tried to bury another dog there one time and about got his head bit off by me-ha!  Sometimes there are just animals that are extraordinarily special in our lives and Shade and Marilyn were those type of animals.

As I said, I knew the winds of change were blowing; I just didn't know how hard.  That week I had gotten the news about my back.  I had gone back in because my back just isn't making progress.  It will be a year in October since my surgery and I have tried everything except chiropractic care.  And I do mean everything.  Walking, Pilates, stretching, yoga, acupuncture, etc., although it is all very good stuff it does not completely take away my pain.  I saw multiple docs in one week, one of them a specialist on the field who then sent me to another ultra-specialist who all agree; this is a lifelong issue.

The good news is is that the last specialist I saw did give me a shot in the spine that sent me into a horrific tizzy for about a week; and boy was it a painful tizzy, but I am better now.  So Rebels, please keep your fingers crossed that I can get these shots every three months for a little bit of pain relief!!!!  The timing was perfect because my back was feeling better just in time for me to deal with my next big change....

Which is losing my sons.  And to be perfectly honest, I suck at letting go.  I know that they are going to college and that they are doing the best thing for them, and that this is what is supposed to happen, but it still really hurts my heart.  I miss them sooo much it physically hurts sometimes.  And I know I'm not the only one out there; maybe I am the only willing to admit it, I don't know.

We took them to Gunnison, Co; the home of Western State College on Friday.  They will share a dorm room and will start classes on Monday.  Thomas already got a job and Austin has an interview today; so their lives are just going wonderfully!  My heart bursts with pride each and every time I get a text or a call or an email from one of them.  I really can't believe that my 2 sons are at college; to be honest I wasn't sure it could really happen.

These are two boys that come from homes that are not made of money.  As a matter of fact they are the first of both their families to ever have gone to college.  Thankfully, due to Austins legal circumstances (our adopting him) his schooling is entirely paid for with grants and loans (mostly grants-yeah!); but it really came down to the wire with our Bubby.  We have been selling things (anyone need a plow truck? ha!) and creative budgeting like no one's business.  I even swapped for some of his text books (review of book swapping sites to come in the following days, there are definite differences!).

Speaking of Austin's other home, that has been a constant source of stress this week also.  Since we have been a part of his life I have been very careful to include his other family and try to make one big happy family so that the boy does not feel as if he has to choose between the two.  I know that he loves his dad and his sisters and needs to keep contact with them; it is very important.  But this last week has just about killed me.  His Dad has let him down one too many times in my book.  As have the step mom and the sisters and the rest of them....I just couldn't take the hurt expression on my sons face any longer.  On the way up to Gunnison, I kept asking Tom what I could do to make up for the terrible week he had had, and all he kept saying is "Hon, you've got to let it go, you are already doing the best you can.  Just be who you are.  He knows how much WE love him."

I was telling my sister that I was so upset that Thursday, the last day I had with the boys had been such a stressful day because we had been running to Austins last dental appointments and needed to get their toiletries, etc.  And that at first I was wishing we had spent it differently, but when I looked back on it, I had been able to sneak in the fact that I had asked the dentist about cleft pallets and they are not related to fetal alcohol or drug abuse; a fact which Austin had grown up thinking and blaming his Mother for.  And when his Dad told him he wasn't coming home to say goodbye to his own son before he left for college; well I was there to buffer the blow and explain to Austin that it was because he just couldn't handle saying goodbye.

So, sometimes even a harried, stressful day can turn into one that is very meaningful to those we love.  That night when we got home, hours later than we had planned, our neighbors were waiting for us.  They were here gathered to say goodbye to our beloved boys.  They are the ones who truly love and respect these kids.  It's not always blood that makes a family.  We had my daughter's best friend and her Mom and sister.  The boys' best friend who is one year younger (poor kid getting left behind) and his family, who have truly become our dearest friends; and our beloved neighbors Dan and Judy over.  It was so perfect.

In the midst of all of this; I have been eluding to changes here at The Royal Ranch.  They have been a long time in the making I suppose, but it sort of came as a shock to me.  The biggest being that I have realized that I am probably not going to be doing pack jobs anymore.  There are times when my back is bad that I can't even make it up the stairs so it is a bit concerning to make a reservation for a pack trip up a mountain that is six miles one way.

Which really means that I have way too many llamas than I need.  And on top of it, I am losing my Great Pyr, Tia.  She has a cruciate tear that needs surgery that we cannot afford nor take care of after the surgery.  I am very blessed that the person who gave her to me is willing to take her back and pay for the surgery that I have arranged through a dear friend of mine and then care for her during her recovery stage....We will take it one day at a time after that.  The problem with caring for a dog that weighs more than I do, is that she will need to be physically moved, etc after her surgery.

So, I am slowly but surely placing my llamas, Tia will leave around the 13th of September, Paco my ram is going to Auction where he should pull a pretty good price and will not get eaten because Rams are yucky to eat and so I can finally feel comfortable taking an animal to auction and seeing how it all works.  I may replace the ram; the main reason he is going is because I would like to breed his daughter this year.  But the whole ghist of the ranch is changing a bit...

As a matter of fact, I had decided that I was going to do poultry.  That was until the neighbors dog killed one of my prize turkeys last week.  Yes, in the middle of my crazy week; I was in filling out paperwork with the boys which is how it happened because normally when the turks are out I have my eye on them at all times.  But this day, we were busy doing last minute stuff for the college, and I heard a ruckus and went out to find the dog eating my turkey.

Although they have offered to compensate me financially, it was very hard for me to determine a price on the first turkey.  First of all, the turkey was not harvested properly so I was unable to save the feathers which on these types of turkeys is a good portion of their value.  We, of course, were unable to save the meat after a dog had been eating it.  But what really bothered me the most was the waste of the whole thing.  I think you as Rebels know that I do not waste anything.

Let alone the amount of hard work and time and love that we all had put into these turkeys.  We knew that the turkeys were going to die; as a matter of fact we all were quite proud of the fact that these three were going to be the first animals that we actually planned on raising from the get go and eating.  Now we will not even be tasting our own hard work as the remaining two have already been sold to friends who have driven in our driveway, taken one look at those beautiful turkeys and asked if they were for sale.

So, my future business plans are as follows:  I am going to continue my writing; I think I may even finally have time to take that second childrens book out of my head and put it onto paper!  The ranch will continue to size down a bit, literally.  The llamas will find the right homes as they come along, and I will slowly grow my poultry/feather business as I feel it is safe.  The loss of my sons I guess I will get used to(?!?), but the loss of Shade....well, that was an indicator of times a changin' I'm afraid.

I would really love to hear from you Rebels.  Have you dealt with losing your children to college and if so what helped?  What about other losses and changes in your lives.....???

Chronic pain and The Spoon Theory

I read this "theory" a long time ago; it's been floating around the blogosphere a long time.  But it took me some time to apply it to my own life.  See I try and act like my life is perfectly fine all the time.  And then it all catches up with me and my daughter will sleep on the floor in my room and catch me crying in my sleep...

So, it doesn't take not having Lupus for this theory to apply.  Or any other label for that matter.  Many of us need to live spoon by spoon; and that needs to be okay with us and the ones that love us.  And here is my spoon to you, dear Rebels, because you mean a lot to me! 

Girl Power

It was quite ironic this morning when I got an e-mail from my husband that had this quote in it because  I woke up feeling all full of "Girl Power" anyway;

'Whatever  you give a woman, she will make greater. If you  give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you  give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you  give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If  you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what  is given to her. So, if you give her any crap,  be ready to receive a ton of  shit.'

Which is really funny, because just Tuesday I really felt like the world might be caving in around me.  So, I called on my "Girls".  And guess what happened?  Miracles, baby, miracles!

Tuesday was my "new" sons first dental appointment; and this is a rather big deal as he has a cleft pallet that has not been properly cared for.  I have joked my whole maternal life that the doctor forgot to cut the umbilical cord of my children because I can still "feel" them; well I must have grown a new cord with Austin because that day when he was in the dentist I KNEW he was having a rough time of it.  So I went for a walk....And realized my Sister worked on that campus and gave her a call.

My Sister is a Registered Dietitian at University Hospital...and she has a few connections.  But even more importantly she met me in between meetings and pagings and consults to give me a HUG!  We were laughing at ourselves because this campus is huge and she was talking to me on the phone trying to find me and looking lost (at her place of work no less), and I was having to look at what I was wearing to describe it to her...it was all too funny.   But she spared me  those few minutes that led to amazing things for my son....

Yesterday was my biopsy.  And well, I owe you Rebels an apology.  I lied.  I was scared Sh#*L##s.  See, my BIL has Lip cancer; and when I went to look it up online for my SIL, I found out that breast cancer normally spreads to the bone....Which got me to thinking that I have breast cancer and that it had spread to my spine and that is why it won't get better.   I also found out that I have all the symptoms of this type of cancer...like spinal pain, unexplained weight loss, fatigue, etc.  But guess what, another one of my "Girls" came through for me, my Mom.

My parents had practically insisted on driving me, and to be honest it was a huge relief to have Mommy and Daddy there to take care of things.  They took me to a great lunch and I didn't have to worry about telling them directions like I would with my new drivers...Whew! What a relief!

Mom was even able to come in with me for the biopsy itself and even at the age of 40 to be able to have your Mother there to hold your hand or to be in the room when your in pain is a salve in itself.  To have the second set of ears was even better.  We learned that even if these are cancerous cells, they are contained and would be considered pre-cancerous, which is fabulous news.  They did have to do WAY (14 holes total) more than I thought they were going to do, but hey, at least it is over!

So anyway, back to more "Girl Power".  My parents had taken me to Tom so he could bring me the rest of the way home; just a short time later I get a call from my Mom.  Guess what?  My Sister has already found a dentist that will help us with my son...Pro Bono.  I mean it took some time for all of this to sink in.  Just the day before I had been walking aimlessly around this medical campus worrying that my children could be losing their Mom, one of whom I had just adopted and may be losing a second mother, (and at the very least how in the hell were we going to take care of his mouth?)....OMG!!!!!!  I mean REALLY my thoughts started to go crazy. 

And just one day later...with the help of all my girls, we had solved all the problems of the world!  Oh, and Dad did the driving-ha!!!!!!  I think he's used to that role, he has done it his whole life...and I can't tell him what a wonderful job he has done "driving" us Girls...Driving us to do our best, and driving us to be our best and then driving us to our appointments when we REALLY need him.

So, if the world gives you a little crap ladies, be prepared to give it a Ton of Shit.  Just sayin'.

A TENS Warning....with a reminder to take help when it's offered!

I want to start today's post out with the biggest thank you I can possibly give to my parents.  Something really scary could have happened to me the other day, and they jumped right in and pulled me out of my boiling pot of water, without even thinking twice or saying a word.  Which is of course what parents love to do, but I didn't even realize I was in a boiling pot, so they're quick thinking was what I really needed.

Monday was my first physical therapy appointment and I was looking so forward to it!  Finally something proactive I could be doing for this darn back recovery.  I had met my parents and some out of town guests for breakfast; and these weren't just any out of town guests.  They were family from Iowa, and you, my long time readers know how much my family from Iowa mean to me.

We had a wonderful time, they even gave me a more than generous birthday gift, and I headed off happily to my PT appointment.  All was going well until she put the TENS unit on me.  She had asked me if I wanted it, I asked what it was, and she said it was for pain management.  At this point in time, I will do anything to lower the amount of Advil and pain meds I am taking, so I was happy to try it.  When she rolled the machine in, I commented that it looked like an ultrasound machine and she said that it did that too.

I must say, I didn't even think twice when she asked me if I had a pacemaker.  You must remember, this is through my regular medical system, she had my entire medical chart.  So, she turns on the machine and starts turning up the dials and asking me if I can feel anything.  That is when it hit me, this was electric shock therapy, and I was starting to slur my words...I was in big trouble and was going into a seizure.

Thankfully, I was able to tell her that I had a seizure disorder, and I could hear her tripping over the rolling stool as she was yanking the node things off my back and trying to get at the machine to shut it off.  She is a great physical therapist but was not at all prepared for a medical emergency like we were facing and was horribly upset that she had made such a mistake.  I, of course, was terribly embarrassed, which I am assuming is a typical response because I really can't figure out I was embarrassed about and just kept reassuring her I was fine, but to give me a few minutes.

Well, as quickly as I could I got the hell out of there, again a very uncomfortable situation all the way around, and called my Mom and my husband to tell them what had happened.  The unanimous decision was that I definitely should not be driving my truck the hour home, I could kill myself or anyone else for that matter.  As stubborn as I am, I resisted for quite some time.  As you all have gathered by now, I am a bit of a rebel-ha!

Well, my Mom called back and said that Dad didn't want me to drive (we don't argue with Dad-ha!) and they were on their way to meet me.  That was that.  Pull over Judy.  I called Tom so that he could quit worrying, and that is when he asked me about my breakfast with Jeanne and Bill...and I realized that my memory of the day was to say the least...sketchy.  Good thing me and my big truck were no longer doing 65 miles an hour down the road, I guess.

The wonder of it all, was that my Mom had been with me for the time that I lost.  So not only were my parents getting me and my truck safely home, but on the way there Mom was able to fill me in on all of the missing time.  And for some reason I can make it through typing this whole post, but when I get to the words "missing time", the tears start clouding my vision.  As a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a great niece....that is the part that makes me furious...and cry.

But, anywho, this post was also to talk a little about the Tens unit.  And I'm not even going to do any research on it, I'm sure it's quite easy to google on your own, if you so wish.  But, my brain, says NO THANK YOU.  So, folks, I'll make it real simple, in my opinion, if you have any brain dysfunction like epilepsy or have had seizures, do not mess with this machine when you go for physical therapy.  I was wondering if it might not have been so bad if my surgery had been on maybe my knee or my ankle; but Tom has a friend at work who has epilepsy also and goes to the same Crappy Clinic (ad lib, that is not it's official title) I do, and the same thing happened on his knee!  So, there you have it, my very unscientific results-ha!

The nuts and bolts of Thoracic back surgery (at least mine)

Well, as you The Rebels know, I have been having back issues for years now.  But if you are new to the story, let me give you a quick rundown of the story.  Almost three years ago now, I started having hip pain, yes hip pain.  I am a very active rancher, hiker, kid chaser, etc., so I let it go for a while, then the doctors let it go for a while, until finally late last year it was diagnosed as a herniated/ruptured thoracic disc.

I have said it before, and I'll probably say it again, this is very unusual.  Your thoracic (middle) region of your spine is the least mobile part of your body, so it very rarely gets injured.  Leave it to me to come up with a stumper!  So the first doctors assume it will resolve itself like herniated discs normally do, and since it is so near the spinal cord do not want to mess with it; I agree.

I go through the summer cleaning fire pits, and running my ranch thinking I am being a pansy since this stupid back thing is still bothering me.  I finally get bad enough to go back to the damn doctor, taking my husband in hopes that the doctor will finally tell him how very tough his wife actually is, and do you know what happened?  That doctor told me that my back was perfectly fine, he even bet my husband a nickel that the MRI would show that my disc was back to normal size and that this was all just a "little flare-up".

Well, he was very, very wrong.  Actually, my disc herniation was worse, my spinal cord was pushed so far out of the way, that it actually changed the way they were able to do the surgery on me!  So, in that instance it was good, I guess.  Normally, thoracic surgeries are done through the chest to avoid damage to the all important spinal cord, blessedly, as you can see from the pic they went in through the back on me.

The following is an excerpt from WebMD about the type of surgery that they did on me: 

Discectomy (also called open discectomy) is the surgical removal of herniated disc material that presses on a nerve root or the spinal cord. Before the disc material is removed, a small piece of bone (the lamina) from the affected vertebra may be removed. This is called a laminotomy or laminectomy and allows the surgeon to better see and access the area of disc herniation.

The only problem was that they were hoping to do only the discecotomy with very little laminectomy, and it turned out to be the other way around.  They had to take quite a bit of bone, and some of the disc had calcified, so they left it, but it sounded like he thought it was a great success, so I am quite thankful for that.  I often wonder if they would really tell you that a surgery like this was not a great success, but that is just me being a total cynic, because I do already feel differently than when there was all that pressure on my spinal cord.

So, now it is just a matter of waiting and resting and letting the swelling go down.  And hoping and praying that my spinal cord goes back into its proper position when all the dust settles, so to speak!  I get my staples (actually, now that a few more days have gone by, I think I might only have stitches!) removed at two weeks, with a doctor follow-up at four weeks; that's about all I know for now! (This must have been on Wed., now it is Sunday and my daughter is one year older, boo hoo!  Her 11th birthday was yesterday.)

Well, as you all have probably guessed, this has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while so I will give you some more to chew on before I publish.  I kept trying to figure out why I was being so slow in hitting the publish button when I realized the scar is ugly.  Well, of course it's ugly, I've been through some nasty stuff...even the skin that just had to be bandaged for two days is crying out for my friend Tiffany's cream.  I can't wait until I get the all clear to use it!

But what has really been bothering me I guess is that the Dr. told me that I have degenerative disc disease and that is what caused this problem, not my car accident when I was a teen.  First and foremost, it is not another disease I have to deal with like my epilepsy.  It just means that I have a really crappy spine I guess and I'm just going to have to be careful.  But can you imagine how sick I am of having to be careful of stuff?

So, with that, and the fact that I almost just cried, I would like to leave you all with some things that I know have gotten a lot better since my surgery.  And you know what is really funny?  These are things that the doctors kept telling me couldn't be related to my spinal injury, I think their story is a little different now that they got in there and saw the damage though.  Anywho, back to my improvements...I no longer have a "fog" around my vision, the heaviness and weird stuff going on in my arms is practically gone, my headaches are finito; okay 95%.  So far so good with the bladder issues, but that was with activity, so I am reserving judgment on that til I get back on my feet a little better; this will be the biggy and the one the doctors will tell if they call it a success or not.

The main point I have to keep reminding myself of, and a call from my Aunt who is a nurse was a great reminder, is that it will take six weeks minimum for all of the swelling to go down and that cord to go back into place.  I will learn more in the meantime about degenerative disc disease (notice I won't even capitalize it!), which I really have got to come up with a better name for, and then I'll be ready to hit it head on like I always do.  I've always taken good care of my spine with my Yoga and stuff, now I will just have to be even more vigilant!

Back surgery sucks...

(thanks clipart, beautiful!)

Helloooo!  I'm back!  Well, I can't guarantee that I am back on a daily basis because my computer is too damn heavy, actually everything is too damn heavy, but at least I am here to check in-hooray!  I was really wishing that I had done an update before Sunday, because I was really great.  Sunday and yesterday, not so much, downright crappy I would even venture to say, but that is to be expected because the steroids and meds they give you during surgery wear off anywhere from day 3-5 and that is when it hit me.

As for a weight limit of five pounds, well, that is downright laughable.  I don't think there is anything on this ranch that weighs five pounds.  I do have one cat that is under that weight, but as soon as I sit down with a blanket I am covered with cats anyway, so I'm covered on that point.  Did you know that a gallon of milk weighs 8 lbs?  And yes, even my laptop weighs quite a bit more than 5 lbs., as a matter of fact it will even be heavier than the ten pound limit I will hopefully get to jump up to at my four week mark.  Do I hear a woot woot?!?

So, I have to share a couple of funny stories with you all.  This surgery really had Tom and I in a dither, I mean we were both scared to death about this one.  Tom was worried that I was going to come out paralyzed and I was afraid of dying.  We both know that over the years my vibes are something that we really should listen to, so it was hard for us to figure out if I was having just fear or some kind of vibe about doing this surgery.  So anyway, we both had pretty much gotten past our fears and surgery day was finally here, no more dreading it!

As you know the patient is not allowed to have anything of value, no purse or jewelry, nothing.  So Tom is in charge of everything, which he somewhat has been anyway since I have been so spacey.  Well, anyway, we have to check in at Security with both our ID's, no problem.  Then Tom checks me in at the computer and heads to the restroom...meanwhile they call my name and I head over to Admissions and tell them that my husband has all my cards; which he immediately starts digging for when he gets back from the restroom.  After accusing me, who had no pockets or anything, of having them, a nice lady behind the counter brings them to us!  He had left my drivers license and my Kaiser card at the main computer of the hospital!  I teased him that next time he should just leave them the debit card too!

Off we head to surgery, and there they take my beloved husband away.  And I don't mean for just a couple of minutes.  I mean for the entire pre-op time; oh and the post-op time too.  It really sucked, I must say.  I know it is an older hospital, and very crowded, and they are trying to keep germs down, and blah blah.  But I wanted my damn husband!  He got to come in for just a few minutes to say goodbye and then he had to wait to see me until I got to my room, boo hoo!

So have I mentioned that we are not city folk, let alone hospital folk?  Needless to say, I got zilcho sleep, mostly due to the noise, and thanks to my very low blood pressure (which I explained again and again is perfectly normal for me, but they still insisted on flushing me with those fluids so I could make those painful trips to the RR) they had long since taken me off the good drugs and I was back to plain old oral pain meds.  Which of course I was due for at just the time everyone got all ready for me to go..."sweet mother there must be a God in Heaven to get me into that truck and over those bumpy city streets while that stupid oral pain medication takes affect!!!!!" was all I could think, honestly.

Well, there must have been, because I made it home in one piece.  As for Tom, I'm not so sure.  He told me that as he was carrying all that "shit" (his words, not mine, because it was partially a spectacular bouquet of flowers from my family that is now my center piece), he was in the very middle of the intersection when the checkbook fell out of his back pocket.  It of course was full of all of the cards that all of the therapists had just given him that morning and they all flew everywhere!  So, my totally together, never loses anything biker husband had to set down his beautiful flowers and my briefcase and bag of clothes to retrieve his stuff while traffic piled up, oh I wish I had been there!

It was wonderful having Tom off last week, but the time flew by way too quickly.  I wasn't sure I was going to make it back from the bus stop yesterday morning, and saw my very first Bald Eagle in this area.  It was so cool, it stayed in the valley and just swooped from one tree to another doing a little fishing in between, the whole time I shuffled my way home...it made the trip much easier, I was home before I even realized it!

Speaking of wonderful...the messages and notes and meals we have gotten are fantastic!  We have the most wonderful family, friends and neighbors a family could ask for, that is for sure.  We are eating like Kings and Queens!

So that is about all for now, maybe tomorrow I'll get into the nuts and bolt of what they found in my back...quite interesting for sure.  Oh and I'm going to have the family take a picture of my battle wound so I hope no one is offended by that kind of thing, because I'm pretty proud of it!  Tom calls me Frankenstein when he sees it, how loving of him-ha!

Metaphysical Monday

You know, some friendships are just hard to describe.  My friendship with Tiffany is one like that.  I think maybe it is because we started out with her as an authority figure, she was my son's seventh grade science teacher, so I first knew her as Mrs. N.

Then we had a terrible shooting at our school.  And something told her that she could talk to me about her fears of sending her son to school for the first time.  I was the parent at the door that day, it was a few days after she had toured schools for her son and found out that there are no other schools that keep an eye out for her son like we did after that shooting, and it really bothered her.  I mean really bothered her.

I have never even hugged her, but in a way would consider her one of the most important people in my life right now.  Pivotal.  That is the word I would use to describe our relationship.  Good thing I write this stuff down, so I have to come up with fancy words (ha!), because that is the perfect word for it.

When I picture our friendship, I sort of see sciencey Tiffany as a rock, and spiritual, not sciencey, Me as this floating bubble (isn't that funny, I always sort of see me as a bubble, what's up with that?), and I think that we came into each others lives to balance one another out, if you know what I mean.  Hopefully I am bringing something to the table, because I know that she has brought a lot.

So it shouldn't have surprised me when I got an e-mail from her with a link on it to something that I have been searching for, well for a very long time; but it did, because she doesn't really believe in that crap-ha!  Or maybe she didn't until she met me, hmmm...  Anyway, the link was to a gal who offers courses in Kundalini Reiki training.  Wow, not even spell check knows what that is!

And I'm not sure if I will be of much help, yet, but Kundalini is a type of energy that comes from the earth, and Reiki is a type of healing.  Each person carries energy from the earth with them, of course, that is a fact.  So this to me makes perfect sense, especially for a person like me (chronic pain, weird abilities, etc.), as I said, it is exactly what I was looking for.

I look back on all of the posts I have written, and all of the thoughts I have had in the past few weeks and months.  The collecting of the crystals and feathers, this problem with my back.  The fact that the word "chakra" keeps appearing in my thoughts, specifically the third chakra.  Which I finally did some research on, and lo and behold if that isn't the chakra that would be affected by this damned herniated disc.  It is also the chakra that is in charge of emotions.  Emotions that might make me angry and speak out of character, oh wait, I've been doing that! 

I believe I have even spoken of becoming a healer before, wishfully.  And the thought has often entered my head if this is all one big test.  I have mentioned the fact that a preacher once told me that I have a talent for helping people enter into the spirit world after watching the third family member die in just a few months; and at the time, it sure didn't feel like a compliment.  (Sorry, looked and looked, couldn't find the link to this one, hopefully you are a long time reader...)

So after hearing again last week that Western medicine is unable to do a damn thing (unless you consider being doped up all the time doing something) about my back, and realizing that this is the same issue that I have had for more years than I can count, I knew I was on my own; I had even said it here.  Well, take a hint Lady!  Call it whatever you want (divine intervention, destiny, fate, etc.) I call it time to go back to school, well sort of.

I start my lessons today, and I have no idea what to expect, so wish me luck!  By the way, when I am done, I will be a Kundalini Reiki Master, and will be able to do healings on people and animals.  Does that not sound like me or what?  Thank you, thank you Tiffany, er, I mean Mrs. N.!

Thoracic Spine Injuries

I would like to make it very clear that I am writing this from the view point of the patient, and that I am by no means an expert on this.  But on the other hand, I may be exactly the person you want to talk to if you think you might have a spinal injury, especially one located in your thoracic region, or middle back, which is quite uncommon.

To be honest, I'm not really sure how I injured mine, after doing some research the past few days, I am wondering if I have had this problem since a  serious car accident in my teens.  I'll get back to that in a few minutes, but I think I'll catch you up on the last few days first.

Last weekend I stood too long at a neighbors birthday party, which to any other person would be no big deal.  The next day I woke up with my bladder leaking, and yes I know that is TMI, but without that information you won't understand why I thought this was a big deal, so bear with me.  This is what happened when my disc had herniated and ruptured in January, so I knew I needed to get to the doc on Monday, which is what I did. 

She told me that I could avoid a trip to the ER (Tom and I laughed at that one, we wouldn't have gone anyway), but that my Neurosurgeon would be calling me the next day.  They did, and they said I needed to be seen (you know, a mere 1.5 hours one way, away) on Thursday.  Although I am barely able to drive at this point, I get down there, Tom takes time off work to go with me, and the guy acts as if I had popped by for tea!  He pats me on the back and thanked me for coming to see him.  That was after I waited for 45 minutes and paid $50!

So are thoracic problems an emergency?  Well, thank God, apparently mine isn't.  And if it isn't an emergency, then by God, you're on your own, Baby.  Which, this morning, I feel better about, yesterday, don't ask.

Now, back up a day or two to my research.  Yes, I know a person has to be careful when doing any sort of medical research on the web.  As a matter of fact, that is why I have avoided doing so until the last few days mostly.  I really have not even considered surgery until this week, but I am getting desperate, I must tell you.  So I started looking for symptoms of T11/T12 disc herniation, and I only read articles from universities or medical jargon that I could only understand every other word-ha!  And then I moved on to surgery, etc, but my point is, I did so rather tentatively.

Anyway, I found some very interesting things that led me to believe that I have had this problem even longer than I thought.  I have written before that this was hard to diagnose because it presented as hip pain, and now I have been reading that it often presents as abdominal and chest pain, gall bladder, etc.  The more I read, it was like a who's who list of the exploratory surgeries I've had over the years, all after a rollover accident on a curvy mountain road more than twenty years ago. 

Again, this is just a theory, and it doesn't really matter now how the spine got injured, because it happened.  But on the way home from the Dr. the other night, I was really frustrated that I have all this crazy shit (sorry Mom, there is just no other way to describe it!)  happen to me, (less than 2% of disc herniations are in the thoracic region, for example), and even if it sounds weird, it makes me feel better if only one thing is the cause of all that crazy shit.

It makes me feel like there is hope to attack this darn thing and take care of "business".  So that I won't have any more crazy "business" going on.  Now, what is my plan?  Walking, and abdominal muscles, for sure.  

It's funny, I wrote the bulk of this post yesterday.  But I don't want to come off sounding like a whiner, so I sat on it; the only reason I post about these things is in hopes it might help someone else in the same boat.  So, I considered talking about my symptoms, and maybe even sharing the letter I sent to the doc who was sort of a jerk, because that might help anyone who has dealt with a butthead doctor.  I suppose I could have a healing series...

Well, at least Google knows I'm out there, and the next time I go to search for Thoracic Spine Injuries, hopefully this post will show up, and it just might help another person who is going down the same road, and hopefully that person will see my e-mail and feel free to contact me with any questions, because believe me, I know how crazy you're feeling right now!